i just read yoko's old blog. when she found out about homan cheating on her. i realised so many things can be applied to me now.

i also know i have no right to play the victim card.

for the first time in many many years, i actually feel kinda suicidal and depressed. but no worries im still rational. i live on the 15th floor which makes it so much more worse.
of ALL people, i least expected you to do this to me. ALL people. i trusted you. you did and said things which earned it. you constantly reassured me. but also, out of all this, you repeatedly gave me reasons to doubt you. i was so ignorant and blind to all these signs.

you used me. i have no doubt about that. i was like coming up for fresh air to you. you wanted thrill and excitement in your life, which you have endlessly said that you lack. i provided that. i gave myself to you.

and today, i EVEN TRIED TO COVER YOUR ASS. deny all the countless rendezvous that we've had. deny that we speak on the phone. deny that we've met up. deny EVERY SINGLE THING.
why? because i'm not the kind of person who purposely stirs up trouble to spite someone. i can't do that because i love you. i love you way too much to see you hurt or stressed in any way. sometimes, i wish you could do the same for me too.

all those promises you made...words you've spoken. All the "i love yous" and "i miss yous", were they so easily uttered? was i so indispensable that you can throw me aside and deny my existence even when confronted with it?
and right after that you still tell me you love me.... how do you do that to someone you love? i will NEVER be able to bring myself to do that to you, but obviously our priorities are different. You mean the world to me, but i mean.......nothing to you. i really wish i could believe you from now on, your words and everything, but its not so simply said than done.

i gave up so much for you, and in the end.......nothing remains for me.